PARENTAL DIGEST; Teenage Epidemic

1. Diagnosis: CHRONIC BITCH [kron-ik bich]

> A hormonal imbalance often resulting from excessive childhood mollycoddle, followed by extensive appeasement into teenage years, causing individual to develop psychological inflationary sense of self importance.

> Disease characterized by wild mood swings, nipple piercings and an expansive repertoire of STD's.

>Treatment: You are in most likeliness a sub-satisfactory parent and have caused irreparable damage to your child, there are currently no treatments offered, however, two out of three professionals propose a whoop-ass every now and then to counter disorder symptoms.

2. Diagnosis: OOD [oh- oh-dee] Obsessive Obsessive Disorder, often referenced to as Compulsive Compulsive Disorder. A more progressive form of OCD in which compulsion is triggered by the use of repetitive and synonymous language.

> Disorder characterized most often by flailing of the arms, incongruous shouting and fits of uncontrolled violence; however symptoms vary largely between individuals.

> Proposed Treatment: Increase in the study of the Thesaurus as a preventative action to avoid the onset of such volatile behavior.

3. Diagnosis: SILLIBANDICOCCUS [sil-ee-ban-dick-o-cus]

>Disorder characterized by crazed need to obtain colorful rubber bracelets in various distorted shapes; i.e. two-assed kangaroos, amoebas and Pillsbury Doughboy also hypothesized to represent fowl from the Spheniscidae family[species, penguin].

>Treatment: A morphine injection administered during flareups should do the trick.

>Alternate treatment: COLLECT THEM ALL!