PARENTAL DIGEST; Teenage Epidemic

1. Diagnosis: CHRONIC BITCH [kron-ik bich]

> A hormonal imbalance often resulting from excessive childhood mollycoddle, followed by extensive appeasement into teenage years, causing individual to develop psychological inflationary sense of self importance.

> Disease characterized by wild mood swings, nipple piercings and an expansive repertoire of STD's.

>Treatment: You are in most likeliness a sub-satisfactory parent and have caused irreparable damage to your child, there are currently no treatments offered, however, two out of three professionals propose a whoop-ass every now and then to counter disorder symptoms.

2. Diagnosis: OOD [oh- oh-dee] Obsessive Obsessive Disorder, often referenced to as Compulsive Compulsive Disorder. A more progressive form of OCD in which compulsion is triggered by the use of repetitive and synonymous language.

> Disorder characterized most often by flailing of the arms, incongruous shouting and fits of uncontrolled violence; however symptoms vary largely between individuals.

> Proposed Treatment: Increase in the study of the Thesaurus as a preventative action to avoid the onset of such volatile behavior.

3. Diagnosis: SILLIBANDICOCCUS [sil-ee-ban-dick-o-cus]

>Disorder characterized by crazed need to obtain colorful rubber bracelets in various distorted shapes; i.e. two-assed kangaroos, amoebas and Pillsbury Doughboy also hypothesized to represent fowl from the Spheniscidae family[species, penguin].

>Treatment: A morphine injection administered during flareups should do the trick.

>Alternate treatment: COLLECT THEM ALL!

In Response To Upcoming AP Exams

C retinous

A sses

L icensing in

C reating

U ndoubtetly

L oudmouth

U nlikable

S chnooks

Dear Dumbass.

The most revolting unveils its self sporadically and often when least expected. I never imagined I would meet someone like I did, up here in New York City. Moving this set of encounter into hicks ville southern town with a name that induces an immediate sense of bodily impurity just from the white trash sound of the name. I figured people this bigoted were repelled by city limits, like two positive ends of a magnet.

This brazenly acrimonious acquaintance is my driving instructor: A 55 or so yr old, Russian bigot who comments on every black, Mexican, Jewish, fat, small, young, old, and ethnically ambiguous person that happens pop into his field of vision or impede on his or my driving.

He's single handedly ousted my appetite for driving and displayed an astonishing example of deplorably pigheaded ardor.

NEWS FLASH in case you didn't already know,

You completely suck.

Melodic As We Are.

Sychronized,

My chest falls as his rises,

As if he is breathing in my exhalation.

;

Our bodies complement one anothers',

to create a fluid sinusodial wave.

l

Sleep soaks us in its dreamy broth,

and the rythmic oscillations slow.

k

It's just before restful oblivion grasps me entirely,

that I silently whisper I love you,

because never have I been so complete.