"I used to think boys were stupid until Sophomore Summer. I still think they're stupid, I've just learned to cope."


y,,,I forget to mention sometimes, however, that since then I've also learned to love.

Sleepy Soliloquy.

x
Spindles of silly string,

Layered in their meticulously engineered design tether me to the ground.


The ornate handiwork of a Black Widow's web,

Adheres to me with lethargic but forceful stamina.


It is a python constricting me with a force of 4000 kilograms.


But i am not menaced,

In silence I maintain my placidity.


All together in a mash of creme and beige,

I am intertwined in an endless bowl of spaghetti Alfredo.


I giggle a child's giggle.


The Boogie monster is still my worst nightmare,

And I am solaced into my first restful slumber.

Crazy Nights.

For those everlastingly entranced by the glamor and allure of Broadway, i am a fellow admirer. I've always found the grade A productions performed in this the world renown theater to be ones of incomparable grandeur.

What you're probably are unaware of, is that Broadway started off as a cult, in about 600 BC, lasting about 400 years thereafter. Annually, the cult would gather and perform rituals to gratify their God in the form of extravagant feasts and unrestrained copulation. Its purpose in creation was to praise Dionysus, the God of Wine, celebrating his him through unrestrained and impious behavior. (Whimsically thinking, knowing just this, one can infer of the etymology of "Broadway", however its name has little to do with its origin, and is rather a description of its physical range.)

So in conclusion: All the food and wine one could consume intermitted only by wild orgies, is the primeval of what we know today as the famous BROADWAY.

>Compliments of my surprisingly knowledgeable English teacher.

Post Script - For those who watch True Blood, I hope you've made the connection.
......

Vienna on Domestic Pets and Other Foreign Fun Facts.

>"There are many dog parks in Vienna.

Men don't want to go to the doctor and so they die early on.

Women, instead of remarrying, get a dog."

.............................................................-Austrian Native



>Back in the 18th century, washing was thought to attract fleas. To prevent these buggers, in addition to bathing only several times in one's lifetime, women wore boxes under their dresses, that housed a mixture of blood and glue, in order to attract and trap fleas.



>Gargoyles, carved, stone figures with a spout designed to convey water from a roof and away from the side of a building, were named such because when it rains, the sound these statues emit resemble a gargle.



> The famous stance taken in numerous paintings during the Renaissance, in which the subject stood proudly with his arm in an "L" with a hand on the stomach was adopted from Napoleon. Unknown to most, however, Napoleon's aristocratic carriage was simply a comfortable position taken to palliate his stomach ulcer.

Aged Humor For April 22nd.

I like to celebrate Earth Day by gloating that I'm not under it yet.

Ma

.................."Life's like a zebra... It shall pass."


......Despite everything that tears us apart, I love you more than I can bear to admit.

Why Can't I Be The Drunken Mess.

So today, coming back from my driving lesson, I felt really energized and decided that with the ephemerally marvelous weather I would be wasting away at home. So off to prospect park on a biking trek, I resolved. I shimmied quickly into my sweats and grabbed my ipod, next proceeding to tape a water bottle to the longest panel of my bike because the water fountains at the park don't work yet and my bike lacks a incredibly useful water bottle compartment that you would assume a mountain bike would be equipped with.

There's a pesky cable lock that's always grazing against my inner thigh that I've been meaning to take off my bike that requires a key to unlock it; a key I didn't have.

So I asked my mom, who was currently in the bathroom, if she could give it to me when she got out. Twenty seconds later the door opens and I lay eyes on my disheveled mother in her confused glory as she totters out with her zipper and the button of her jeans undone.

Now, this isn't unusual for a woman of her unrefined nature, however, when i asked again if she knew where the key was and her response came as " I know where a lot of things are," followed by a messy stagger into the hallway, i felt the earth slowly tilting off its anchored axis.

She handed me the keys and sloppily made her way towards some other end of the house. I told her she should take a nap to which she replied " There are a lot of things I should do."

I thought I was the 18 year old.

Characters Welcome.

Open Auditions for the position of "Oompa Loompa Calculus Worker Monkey" are being held at 34 Mulberry St Brooklyn, New York, May 7th, 2010 at 3:00 pm.

REQUIREMENTS:

> Received an "A" in a college level calculus course
> Height maximum of 4 feet 10 inches
> Not allergic to avocados, due to payment method which comes in the form of guacamole (three jugs a day) , seasoned by worker's spice preference.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

> Clipping toenails
> Spoon feeding
> Calculus involved subject matter

(NOTE: All should be managed simultaneously.)


Final Notice : Uniform consists of paisley jumpsuit and complementary tennis shoes in varying colors dependent on daily cloud cover. Unsightly bulges will not be tolerated.

Vroom Vroom.

>A driving instructor that makes a crack at every Orthodox Jew who happens to come into view is probably not the right driver for you if your family (full or partial) are religious Jews, and are indirectly being critized for having too many offspring.

>Unless fluent in 2nd language, refrain from taking courses that instruct you on how to go about operating heavy machinery in said language.

Most Important Tip For Taking The Driver's Exam:

DO NOT under any circumstances hit on the driving instructor. This will result in automatic failing of the driving test before you've even gotten behind the wheel.

Why I Should Go To New Paltz.

>On the offhand chance that i become a lesbian in the next 4 months, there is a Hooters conveniently located at the halfway mark between my house and New Paltz, New York.

> Located in between Brooklyn and New Paltz is the only IHOP I've ever seen.

>Biker gangs run rampant along the I-87; assless, leather chaps and all.

> The largest Borders and Barnes and Nobles I've ever laid eyes on are scattered along my route upstate = holiday shopping made easy.

> On the way back to Brooklyn I'll pick Liz up a cheeseburger from her favorite garbage gourmet eatery: Burger King.

> The school colors are Atlantic, muggy blue and blazing orange so if college takes a turn for the worst and I'm incarcerated, I'll be more prepared to deal with the problem of accessorizing while resembling a radioactive mandarin.

Beautiful Confusion.

Flames lick my innards,
As my thoughts explore and ravage every crevice of your being.

Only heart palpitations interrupt my cemented concentration.

The pulsations diffuse into feral territory,
Crude, like the turbulent Atlantic storm,
Yet soft like the underside of an algae coated lily pad.

I am lost in a ritual,
A dance I cannot apprehend,
Despite it's continuous and rhythmic movement.

Winds howl and all perception vanishes,
An explosion of light penetrates.

I see birds.

Several I recognize with ease,
A multitude of others are foreign to me.

They circle round sporadically adorned with a full spectrum of color,
I endear the little I can discern of the marvels.

A cool spray of sea mist rips me from my euphoric daze,
The flock scatters.

I stand solitary in unprocessed wonder,
Dumbfounded as I am there's no time to fathom.

They are back again,
Even more vivid and lively.

Unable to discern,
I'm left to lavish in sight.

Soon.

I'm floating above a sea of cloud,
I am oblivious,
The roaring winds are in my mind a meager breeze,
Loneliness overcomes all else.

The moon shines at it's zenith,
Stars dance around it jubilantly,
They attend to one another,
They are of but the same earth,
They taunt me.

I long for that which is one with me,
He is hundreds of horizons away,
And I am moving farther.

But the world is round,
We will meet again.

I look to the moon until then,
For if he's looking too,
We are bonded by thought.